bro can you tell some wild hockey stories

skittle-skattle:

Alright here’s a light story for you guys after that insanity.

My senior year of high school the team I was on went to Ann Arbor for an end of season tournament. That entire weekend was batshit insane but today I am going to focus on the 45 minutes my team spent sprinting naked through the hotel.

So first of all, this was the last thing we did as a team for the year. It was the last weekend of March, which meant for a lot of guys this was their last weekend of hockey (rosters expire at the end of March), so we were guaranteed to get rowdy. Mix in the fact that our coach generally encouraged the partying we did as long as he didn’t see it, things were going to get out of control.

Second of all, when we arrived at our hotel, we found out there was a statewide cheerleading tournament going on that weekend, and 5 of the teams were in our hotel. Considering there were only 2 hockey teams in the hotel that weekend, we spent a lot of time chasing girls, with varying success.

So anyways skipping to the story at hand. It’s the Saturday night, and our only game on Sunday is at like 3, so we’re getting rowdy in our rooms. Our coach does “room checks” which is basically just him going to each door with the captains to make sure everyone is in their rooms so that he can deny any knowledge of any shenanigans when they inevitably happen because “they were all in their rooms when I checked on them FUCK.”

So we’re going from door to door and kids are being goofy but everyone is in their rooms and they’re going to stay there until our coach goes to the bars for the night and we get through basically all of the rooms without incident.

And then we get to our goalie’s room.

Okay so all I’ve said about drummers being weird man goalies are like 15x weirder. You gotta be fucked up to volunteer for the position where shit gets shot at your head, and taking shots to the dome all day only makes you weirder.

So we get to this kid’s door and our coach knocks on the door and looks down at his room list and the door opens and standing 5 feet into the room is our goalie.

Buck ass naked.

So the other assistant breaks down and starts laughing immediately, and our captain and I are trying to hold it together but we’re shaking from laughter. Our coach finally looks up and you see his eyes get to this kids feet and then instantly snap up to his eyes.

“The fuck are you doing?”

The kid just starts swaying in place a little bit.

“What’s up coach?”

“The fuck are you doing?” He starts swaying more.

“I’m just airing it out, you know?” He sways even more.

“The fuck?”

Suddenly, this kid starts gyrating, literally helicoptering his dick around as he does so. My captain and I break down laughing.

“I’m just airing out my wiener coach.” He starts creeping into the doorway.

“Stop that.” He’s creeping closer.

“Stop what coach?”

“You know exactly what I want you to stop.”

“What, you want me to stop swinging around my wiener? Do you have a problem with my wiener? Do you think I have a weird wiener?” He’s into the hall now.

“Stop saying that.”

“What? Wiener? What’s wrong with wiener? It’s just a word coach.”

Coach is starting to back down the hall away from this kid, somehow maintaining eye contact the entire time.

“Get back in your fucking room.”

“NOT UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE FOR SAYING I HAVE A WEIRD WIENER.”

Every door opens. 16 kids are peering into the hall, only to see the captain, the other assistant and I dying of laughter, and our goalie following our coach down the hall while swinging his dick around like an idiot.

Coach has not broken eye contact.

Probably with any other team, everyone would have laughed at this for a little while, egged our goalie on, and then went back into their room after a couple minutes. But our team had Bobby.

Bobby (not his real name) was also super fucking weird. Bobby did something else this weekend that I will talk about at a different time but the point is Bobby single handedly turned this from a small, very funny thing, to a very big, very stupid thing.

Bobby comes bursting out of his room, tearing his clothes off as he goes, charging straight at our coach, who turned tail and ran down the hall screaming. Instantly, there were 14 boys sprinting down the hall, ripping their clothes off, screaming “wiener” over and over at the top of their lungs. Our coach somehow managed to get to his room and get inside before they caught him, so instead of doing the “normal” thing and deciding the joke was over and returning to their rooms, our entire team spins around and starts sprinting back down the hall screaming just as loud, while the rest of the team joined in.

I stood there with my captain as 17 boys sprinted past us, buck ass naked. right as they run past us, he gives me a look, and shrugs his shoulders, as if to say “what are you gonna do?” before ripping his shirt off and taking off after them.

For 45 minutes, we ran through the halls of our hotel, evading security and screaming at the top of our lungs. The cheerleaders came out of their rooms to hoot and holler at the literal dick parade sprinting through the halls. The other team in the hotel joined us. There were almost 40 dudes, ass naked, sprinting through the hall of an Ann Arbor hotel for a half hour, and it only stops when boys start peeling off from the group to hide, most of us hiding in the cheerleaders rooms.

Needless to say my team was not allowed to return to that hotel.