the signs as things my friend’s dad said

aries: does putin’s me-me ban mean you cannot go to russia
taurus: we have a vodka fridge and a cheese fridge. take your pick
gemini: is this the boy you cry over? he is ugly. find another boy
cancer: i have not cried in ten years. i am not breaking this streak today
leo: do not touch the moustache. it looks good today
virgo: i would say your dress is short but you are too short
libra: you are not in trouble, no. you just broke a law
scorpio: you make a better son than my son
sagittarius: why is it 420? why not 480?
capricorn: i want a tap that pours alcohol instead of water
aquarius: if i were president i would let you have your me-mes.
pisces: is that putin is gay video real