toadpiss:

Feel awful doing this again and it’s really hard talking about, but stuff’s become a little more urgent.
Right now, my partner and I live in a city that’s really unaccepting towards lgbt (and especially visibly lgbt) people. We mostly stay inside because of the slew of bad experiences we’ve faced being outside both as a couple and individually. I’m back in the closet again when it comes to the clothes I feel comfortable wearing and the way I chose to present out of safety. It’s triggered my agoraphobia and I have a really hard time even being outside on my own property.

I’ve been having really awful feelings that my dad’s back in town and chalked it up to paranoia, but my mom let me know that she saw him on one of her local dating apps. I checked his fb page and he’s living in the same area as me, since I’m living in the town he grew up currently and this city is one he often frequents when he’s back in Ontario. He is here long-term working as a free-lanced landscaper and has agreed to quote people from my area.

My dad stalked me for 7 years during my childhood, my mom forced me to move in with him in Quebec when I was going through highschool (even though she had a restraining order against him) and I experienced his abuse firsthand, and that’s when I presented as cis. He’s put me in overtly sexual situations that made me extremely uncomfortable towards him. He forced me to babysit his kids who gave me a concussion when they threw a toy truck at my head, and got mad at me and hit me for taking it away from them and refused to take me to the hospital. He’s abducted my brother from his home and brought him to live with him in Quebec before the police were called and brought him back. He’s threatened to drown my mom because she got a hair cut, stalked her after work and ran her car off the road with his truck multiple times, and to this day she’s still certain that he had a hand in killing her ex boyrfriend. After I moved back home, he called me and told me that my cat got pregnant so he drowned her and her kittens since I wasn’t there to take care of her. He brags about how he used to beat people over the head with iron bars with my ‘uncle’ joe (his friend from his motorcycle/autotheft days). He’s been in and out of jail for theft, fraud, and assault, and has psychosis that he believes is a supernatural gift and won’t go to the doctor to talk to someone (he told he the last time he’s been to a doctor was 8 years ago) so he’s really unpredictable and I’m afraid of what he may do. He’s an outspoken nazi and homophobe.

The last few times I’ve seen/talked to him have been really awful. He told me he won’t respect my pronouns or name, going as far as to yell my deadname/wrong pronouns inside of subway and walmart and publicly talking about how disappointed he is to have a tr*nny for a kid, how it’s wrong, and how he won’t accept it. He told me if he ever saw my trans/same sex partner at the time he would “shoot it” and there wouldn’t be anything left to talk about. When I broke down angry-crying in his truck when he was being verbally abusive, he told me to shut the fuck up, and that I reminded him of my mom when I cried.
I’m missing big chunks of memory from when I lived with him/have hung around him and I believe that’s for a good reason.

Needless to say, I really don’t want to have another run-in with him, and don’t know what he’d do if he saw my post-T ass on the street. I’ve been hurt enough by him and I don’t want harm to fall on my partner/dogs if he does know where we live. My mom says she hasn’t said anything to him but she has a history of lying about that, which is how he found me and showed up in my house when I was gone to leave stuff, and in my backyard when I was home, where I was forced to get in his car with him.

I need to move with my partner and dogs very urgently. I’m disabled and am dependent on ODSP (Ontario Disability Benefits) and get close to 1k a month, but this won’t cover rent AND groceries AND pet food, and doesn’t allow me to save up for a car/insurance which we need to distance ourselves from Ontario. Our gameplan is to get to Toronto temporarily, where we will be much safer and allowed to be visibly queer as well as escape from my dad before looking at more permanent options further away from Ontario. I need to start working on agoraphobia so I can get groceries/be independent again, and I need to be able to find a trans-friendly therapist and doctor (since I’m disabled and suffer from an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder and most likely carry a hereditary cancer gene (still waiting on test results my gramma had done before she passed) all of which doctors here refuse to test for.

I sell things! I’ll sell things to you!

My vintage depop is here
I do natal/solar & lunar return chart readings on a sliding scale
I do tarot/pendulum readings on a sliding scale
My paypal is:
paypal.me/minnowmoon

If you can’t donate rn, please consider reblogging this so other folks can see it and help out if they’re able!