It’s strange how I’m trying to pick a major that interests me and will be useful in the future, but when I say I don’t know what I want to major in people just ask “well what kind of job do you want?” and my answer is always something along the line of having my own small farm where I grow the majority of what I eat (obviously what can be grown), where I have some goats and chickens and bees and sheep (ngl I know the sheep and goats are high reaching goals), where I don’t have a 9-5 company job where I want to tear my hair out.

I want the freedom to organize and mobilize and just the freedom to do what I need to do. I want to sit around at night knitting and spend the days tending to gardens and animals. I don’t want to sit at a desk for 8 hours and have a little part of me die everyday.

And the person’s reaction is normally a nervous chuckle and they kind of just close up. No more helping, which I don’t blame. I don’t know what I’m doing, how would they know? Anyways this is a rousing story of me trying to pick classes and a major

i dont hate pride as a general thing. but i can say now that i probably wont go until i can (legally) drink. it was just one thing after another today and then i acted like an ass to my boyfriend and i hate that. i hate that my mental health just plummeted because of three toxic people. i hate that it has such a big effect on my mood. i also didnt get much sleep yesterday and add two panic attacks and crying 3 times on top of it and we have the recipe for a great pride.

i just. ive been a big bitch today and i dont know how to make up for it.

It’s gotten to the point of me realizing there’s no way in hell I can afford the top surgery I scheduled. And it’s kinda heartbreaking.

I only scheduled it as soon as I did, because my dad said that whatever money needs to be paid, he’ll pay.

Then I found out he hadn’t taken his meds since July. Which really explains why he was okay with spending the money and why he screamed at me for something super small.

It’s just. I feel dumb for having the hope that I could get top surgery. I feel really, really dumb.

I work 25 hours most weeks, and I pick up extra shifts when I have the energy. I’m in high school. I have college classes for fucks sake.

I’m just sad.