mooncoffin:

i’m going to be direct about this: all of my clothes are falling apart.  they’re full of holes, torn (not on purpose and not in a cool way), no longer fit bc they’re either stretched out from constant hard wear or were bought when i was able to be more physically active.  aside from only two garments i own (a pair of grubby bootcut jeans and a second-hand dress that’s gorgeous but hard to do everyday things in), all the fabric is worn through so much you can see everything under it, or the material is so nubbly that i feel like i’m wearing a rough old washcloth.  at the same time, all of my undergarments are wearing out or have already done so past the point of wearing them without pain, elastic all frayed-out and pinching, wires poking through, things cutting into me or rubbing my skin raw when i move.

compared to most people i know, i own very few clothes, like not even enough things for every day of the week, and because of that it’s all worn out much faster because i wear it about five times as often.  most of what i have was purchased last year and it’s already torn to shit, because i can’t ever accumulate enough of a wardrobe to not wear things out this fast.  i own two pairs of kinda-okay boots purchased three years ago and they’re both splitting, weather leaks in all the time, and the hardware is tearing off more and more every day.  neither pair will make it through another year, and probably not even a gentle six months.

many of my followers know this, but i should state again for the sake of clarity and reblogs:  i’m very poor and have been for my entire adult life.  only a handful of years ago i was homeless for Disowned Queer Trans Kid Reasons, sleeping outside and eating out of dumpsters to survive.  i’ve been trying to claw my way into at least “”functional”” poverty since, mostly working less than minimum wage paid under the table when i was able to find jobs i could physically and mentally handle.  and since roomie’s car accident at the beginning of the month, our household budget has tightened even more because now there’s new insurance and a car loan to pay off.  there’s not enough wiggle room in the funds to even buy one garment in my size without making a big sacrifice in another area (like food or bills), because plus size clothes over a size 18-20 are outlandishly expensive (apparently it’s okay to practice extortion if the person in question is fat).  i can’t even just suck it up and buy men’s clothes anymore, which are cheaper for irritating reasons, because i can’t find my size in those and barely could when i was living as male.

lately i feel even more awful about how i look and have experienced a huge surge of body/gender dysphoria, when i already struggled with that every day.  i look in the mirror and shudder.  it’s become harder and harder to leave the house.  i have about two outfits i feel good in and i’m wearing them to death—they’re already well beyond disrepair, despite all the mending i’ve done.  and i’ve tried to find cheap stuff at walmart or whatever to fill in the gaps, and i scour goodwill on a regular basis, but finding something in my size in-person that isn’t ugly or frumpy or just very poorly-designed… tbh it’s almost a miracle to locate anything decent, especially at thrift stores.  and when you do find something that could be coaxed into presentability, it’s a ‘last chance, if you don’t buy this TODAY it will be gone and you’ll never find this size or even this style of garment ever again!’ kind of situation.  which is rough when you only have $3 in the bank (that’s literally my balance right now).  you get a little spark of desperate hope and then you see that even the cheapest thing you could possibly buy yourself to wear, well, that thing costs three times the amount of money you have to your name.

recently i had to put my etsy shop on vacation mode because i’ve been too sick to handle any more new transactions while i catch up on things, and when i do open up again, i’m no longer going to be able to offer custom orders to the general public; the anxiety and compulsions about commissions needing to be absolutely perfect, and the overwhelming fear of being scolded for not getting every Just Right, has driven me into the ground, and i can’t allow myself to do that to myself anymore.  but, unfortunately, custom work has been the core of my income for four years, especially now since i can’t hold down a ‘regular’ job.  so there goes most of the little bit i’ve been earning for Nice Things like saving up for clothes and shoes—things i’ve come to see as truly extravagant luxuries.  clothes really do become a luxury when it takes $100 to buy less than a week’s worth of underwear and bras in your size that won’t tear up your skin or fall apart after three washings, and about that much to buy one piece of outer clothing that’s sturdy enough to last more than two months.  it’s ridiculous.

i recognize that i need help with getting new clothes, and i will continue to need help for some time.  i feel like i have to explain myself to be ‘allowed’ to ask for help, hence all this.

tl;dr: i’m poor, disabled, fat and trans, can’t afford clothes and shoes, and i really need assistance.

i have some stuff on my wishlist (sort by priority!), and my paypal is squishghost@gmail.com.  i’m going to put a donation button in my sidebar again, as well.  please help if you can and pass this on!!  kind strangers on the internet have helped me through so much in my life, and i hope there are still people out there who are willing and able to lend a hand.  if you got this far, thank you for reading, i appreciate it.