I feel privileged to have two grandmothers that believe me when I say I’m in pain and that it doesn’t stop
That my ear hurts and rings almost constantly and has since I was small
That walking hurts more than it used to, that if I move any of my limbs slightly wrong I can’t move it at all
That my back pain isn’t fake, even though the doctors said it is
My Grammy is even sending me some packages to help me and that’s a god send.
I feel like I have a split mindset and it’s kinda driving me up the wall. Also I don’t like the psychiatrist at my school (and I know I’m unbelievably picky and not really in the position to be but bad experiences with providers leads to a picky person)
One part of me is trusting, believes in the good of people, and gives second chances
The other part of me is wary of everything and everyone, is cynical, and doesn’t really give people a chance at all.
And I need a fucking healthy mix of both to be the person I want to be
I’m very concerned with how people perceive me and I want to change that. I’ve been working incredibly hard at it, immediately taking down any thought like “the people behind you are laughing because your hair is ridiculous” and replacing it with “yeah my hair is ridiculous I love it and why would I care if random girls laugh at me???”
And I would try to rationalize like nobody is watching you that close and making judgment calls, but that’s a lie… Most people aren’t but I do. I’m very judgemental, and I’m trying to work on that too.
I know I’m progressing but it feels like a snails pace.
Also like I feel like I’m in a fever dream. We’ve got a fascist government, Russians don’t want us to vote (???), and the trump administration wants to erase trans people.
I’ve also come back full circle. I’ve always been nonbinary and I knew that tits weren’t gonna cut it for me. But I would’ve been just as happy with a reduction as I am with my top surgery. I’m not upset about it, I’m just learning more about myself everyday. I’m so very not female but I’m also so very not male and I’m queer. I guess genderqueer works well for me (thank u Charlie for heavily incorporating that word into my vocabulary)
god black panther is so good I’m dying I refuse to go to class until I finish it
*me slathering acids and clay and vinegar on my face*
I am a skincare enthusiast
It’s strange how I’m trying to pick a major that interests me and will be useful in the future, but when I say I don’t know what I want to major in people just ask “well what kind of job do you want?” and my answer is always something along the line of having my own small farm where I grow the majority of what I eat (obviously what can be grown), where I have some goats and chickens and bees and sheep (ngl I know the sheep and goats are high reaching goals), where I don’t have a 9-5 company job where I want to tear my hair out.
I want the freedom to organize and mobilize and just the freedom to do what I need to do. I want to sit around at night knitting and spend the days tending to gardens and animals. I don’t want to sit at a desk for 8 hours and have a little part of me die everyday.
And the person’s reaction is normally a nervous chuckle and they kind of just close up. No more helping, which I don’t blame. I don’t know what I’m doing, how would they know? Anyways this is a rousing story of me trying to pick classes and a major
Could you imagine if there was a sizable plot of land that anyone could use and anyone could live on? Imagine if there was a community of people doing skilled labor? Imagine weavers and farmers and mechanics and carpenters and… Just imagine. No ruling body. Democratically made decisions where everyone has a voice.
I feel so worn down by expectations to graduate college with some impressive degree and go work a dead end 9 to 5 job where I have rent or a mortgage forever. Debt and medical bills and never ending waste.
But what do I know? I’m just some 18 year old who isn’t in the “real world”
aahahaha i have testing for auditory processing disorder this friday because i dont have enough hearing loss to qualify as hearing loss and i need accommodations at college. it’s interesting, like if my mom listened to me when i was younger i wouldnt have thought that im faking most of my problems. the only time i actually insisted on anything medical related was when i needed glasses. my mom thought i was lying but, surprise! i wasnt, and the eye doctor was like huh your eyes are pretty bad.
shrugs. my mom is getting upset with how much im going to the doctor now but im 18 and paying for it myself, she has no leg to stand on there.
also im probably gonna start getting allergy shots again because i am in hell. im also gonna take ALL of my meds even though it would cost… about $50 a month in just pills for all of them.
like i am beyond excited to find out what the fuck is wrong with me? i know like the no diagnosis model of shit works well for some people but for me it just. makes me feel crazy. talking to my paternal grandmother is always amazing (my mom thinks shes crazy because of all her health problems) because like. ah yes, thank you for chronicling the family health problems. like i know all of the shit that runs in the family back like two more generations now.
aahahaha i have testing for auditory processing disorder this friday because i dont have enough hearing loss to qualify as hearing loss and i need accommodations at college. it’s interesting, like if my mom listened to me when i was younger i wouldnt have thought that im faking most of my problems. the only time i actually insisted on anything medical related was when i needed glasses. my mom thought i was lying but, surprise! i wasnt, and the eye doctor was like huh your eyes are pretty bad.
shrugs. my mom is getting upset with how much im going to the doctor now but im 18 and paying for it myself, she has no leg to stand on there.
also im probably gonna start getting allergy shots again because i am in hell. im also gonna take ALL of my meds even though it would cost… about $50 a month in just pills for all of them.
I feel so ridiculously tired. It’s borderline ridiculous. I am so tired of arguing on the internet with people I don’t even know.
But like I’m running on a very small amount of sleep, a lot of missed doses of meds, and I’m handstitching a big ass weighted blanket together just so I can have a weighted blanket.
So the word queer. Let me unpack this for the sake of my mental health. I use the word queer. I identify as queer. I don’t personally understand why people vehemently hate the word queer. I’m not tagging anything with queer with #q slur. Because that is my identity and it isn’t a slur? It sucks if it has been used against you in a negative way but. So many words are? Like. Ah. Hm. You can turn any word into an insult. You can. People do it with gay all the time.
Anyways, I’m tired and I’m so so so worn out. I feel like an old dish rag.
vanhalenofficial 