aries: drowned in cash and women
taurus: death by mozzarella sticks
gemini: balled too hard
cancer: too much gay sex within a 48 hour period
leo: parkour
virgo: crushed by their own ego
libra: forgot to eat, sleep, or drink water because they were watching netflix
scorpio: trampled in a pride parade
sagittarius: suspicious incident involving eggs
capricorn: did it for the vine
aquarius: a 5-way
pisces: one of those papercuts right on your fingertip